I Saw Zombies Eating Santa Claus by S.G. Browne

Author:S.G. Browne
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Gallery Books

FIFTEEN

I’m standing in front of one of the basement walls, upon which I’ve used a black Sharpie to draw two crude renditions of a human silhouette, one facing forward and the other facing to the side. I’ve left off the relevant body parts identifying them as either male or female. This isn’t a Human Sexuality class. I’m not teaching my fellow zombies about reproduction. What I’m doing is giving them a crash course in How to Eat Breather.

Not exactly something they taught us in Undead Anonymous, but I’m just doing my best to give them some practical applications for the twenty-first-century zombie.

Jeff, Mykle, and Cameron sit in beach chairs on the floor at my feet, all three of them wearing earnest and attentive expressions. Cameron’s even taking notes.

“So can you eat Breather raw?” asks Mykle. “You know, like sushi?”

In a medium bowl, combine 2 pounds of fresh cubed Breather, 1 cup soy sauce, 3/4 cup chopped green onions, 2 tablespoons sesame oil, and 1 tablespoon toasted sesame seeds. Refrigerate for 2 hours before serving.

“You can,” I say. “But it’s a little chewy. Personally I always preferred mine medium to medium-rare. That way you lock in the flavor without sacrificing tenderness. Plus Breather tends to be full of germs and parasites, so it’s best to cook it for a few minutes so you don’t end up with worms.”

“What’s it like?” asks Cameron. “Eating Breather?”

While he’s not saying it outright, I detect the moral and ethical implications inherent in Cameron’s question.

You’d think eating humans would be second nature for a zombie. But eating human flesh isn’t something your average zombie knows how to do once the umbilical cord to life has been cut. Cannibalism is cannibalism, whether you’re undead or alive, and the idea takes some getting used to. It’s not so much an issue of developing a taste for it, because Breather tastes yummy. It’s more a question of learning how to accept your reality—lock, stock, and smoked Breather.

I was fortunate enough to be introduced to the joys of human flesh without knowing what I was eating, so I warmed up to it without having to deal with some of the questions that come with making such a significant shift in ideology.

Is this ethical?

Am I a bad zombie?

Would this taste better with ketchup or barbecue sauce?

On some level, I always knew what I was eating, which made it easier for me to stomach the truth once I admitted it to myself. However, not everyone has the option of lying to themselves until they’re ready to embrace their true nature.

“It’s easier than you might think,” I say, answering Cameron’s question. “If you’re just starting out, you might want to eat it in a sandwich or with a couple of sides, as there can be a bit of an adjustment period. Especially if you were a vegetarian.”

While some manage to make the transition, most vegetarians don’t do well as zombies, especially if they were militant about not eating meat. And if you were a full-on vegan, you might as well forget it.

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